Its regarding that horrible parenting bane of our existence - 'www access in our children's lives'. That never ending offering of garbage at their fingertips.
I need your advice...... Your realistic (its 2013 and kids just aren't the same these days) advice.
So, if you have a child, preferably a boy, in his early teens or about to embark on this glorious, fun filled phase and they just luuuurve gaming and staring at their Ipod/Ipad/Iphone/Computer... I want to ask you..... HOW DO YOU CONTROL what they see, hear, do and play?
Im not going to get too personal here but, I am not happy with certain things that my son has been watching and unless I just take all www access away from him (as if this is an option), Im not sure how to keep him on the straight and narrow. This is where I need you to be realistic. He is 12. He is allowed to have privacy. He is expected to want to chill out on his device of choice, show me a boy his age that doesn't! This is his thing... like most boys his age.
I am not, nor was I ever a boy so frankly I dont understand the obsession but judging from my other offspring..... Its definitely a 'boy thing'. What I am always trying to do is highlight 'other things' in their lives that they can focus on, and we do that pretty well, but unfortunately, these hideous devices do ultimately take precedence.
Look familiar?
Im a busy mum and I do benefit from the time when my boys sit quietly and do their own thing and Ill admit, Im not sitting next to them policing what they are doing but, there has to be a degree of trust right? But unfortunately, sometimes you discover that perhaps you are trusting them too much, know what I mean?
So...........
How do you handle this 'bang your head against a wall' kind of stuff?
Do you allow your child to take their device to school? (In this case, Secondary School)
Can you set restrictions that block certain things?
Do you check up on what they are doing?
Do you, like me, want to try and keep your child..... a child for as long as you can....?
.... Would you like to pool some money together and we will buy that island and raise our kids in complete seclusion?.....
Please help a sista in need....... xx
Much love,
Linking up with Essentially Jess for IBOT
Hey Leigh!
ReplyDeleteI'm trying to read up as much as I can on this one. Personally I would try to get Ed {my partner} involved as much as I can on this type of thing. Especially if I see the images my boys are looking at to be pornographic-like images. Dialogues from the father can be equally as important.
Great post, I'm looking forward to seeing replies from other mother's. I grew up around girls, there was hardly any boys around, so I feel like i'm screwed lol.
One thing you have to know, you're a great mum, and this post is a reflection of your greatness. All the best xx
Thanks hun, appreciate your support. Yeah its a tough one as a female but hopefully common sense will prevail xxx
DeleteMy eldest is ten and the only computer he can access is in the family area of the house. No privacy there. He has to earn game time and I have complete control over what is installed on that computer, as well as the times he is allowed on it.
ReplyDeleteHe also gets restrictions put on the apps on his iPod during times I don't want him on there and does not have access to the iTunes account.
I can't imagine I will be changing these rules much in the near future, maybe when he turns 16? Even then, I don't know if I'd be happy letting him have a computer in his room.
Good luck!
Hi Dorothy, thanks for your comment. Yes, Ive got restrictions in place, they just might have to become a bit tighter!! x
DeleteMy oldest boy is 13, with the next one nearly 12(and he is a bit more advanced socially than the 13 year old!), and little boy 8. This is a constant dilemma for us. The boys have a shared study area with the computers. 13 year has his own laptop, and the other 2 share a computer. These are in a shared and open environment. 13 year old (and unfortunetaly the nearly 12 year old) are both on Facebook. I am 'friends' in FB with them, and have their user names and password. I monitor their FB activity. We saw an unknown 'girl' from America approach 13 year old. I picked up on it within about 10 minutes of the contact. logged in as him and saw the innappropriate conversation via 'chat', got him off asap (I was at work, it was school hols, husband was home - so a little bit of frantic calling and massaging), changed passwords, blocked accounts etc. Awful. But we were on to it, caught it quickly and spoke to him about it. We have software to block certain sites and even words. We also have computer free time, and accosaionally a total screen free weekend (including TV) - a screen time detox!
ReplyDeleteThere are no easy answers, just ongoing monitoring - and like you, I don't have time to watch over their shoulder, and nor do I want to!
Susan
Hi Susan, yep, Im friends with my son on fb. Strangely, he rarely goes on it.... I think my rules need to be more prominent, and firmer. See how we go...... x
DeleteNo advice here. I have three girls all under 9. But it's sure a sign of the change in times. Goodluck.
ReplyDeleteLol Caz...... thanks! Hope you are well xxxx
DeleteAlthough I don't have children in their teenage years yet, I do know that when I work professionally with teens and families, the one piece of advice I say is to communicate. If you take away, ban, totally restrict, he may feel pushed against a wall and fight back.
ReplyDeleteSo try (if you haven't already) to have a conversation with him about what is safe, what is not safe, risks and your expectations. Work together to try and reach a compromise, so he feels he too has a role to play.
good luck xoxox
Hi Tahlia. One thing I excel at is Communication... maybe a bit too much! I agree though, talk, talk, talk... hopefully it helps him navigate these years xx
DeleteBloody good question....I'm not there yet, but I've heard horror stories of what kids post on FB when they think they're parents aren't watching.
ReplyDeleteIt is a mega question for our age....
I can only suggest tying his hands behind his back.....I got nothing else.
Interested to see your responses though.
Lol, great advice.... A deserted Island AND arms tied behind his back... SOLUTION! xxxx
DeleteMy 8 yr old got an iPod for his birthday and it is glued to his hands most of the time. (it's actually stopped a lot of fighting with this younger brother, bonus!) The rules are
ReplyDelete- No iPod at school.
- No iPod in the morning before school unless he is dressed, eaten breakfast, and completed his (few) chores. This has really sped things up in the morning, bonus!
- No iPod after school unless homework is done.
- No M, R, or PG 15 games. He is pretty good at adhering to this but we are running into issues with YouTube, where things are not rated (IE, a video of someone playing Black Ops, for example.) Every so often I have a quick check of what he is watching, to make sure. He shares an iTunes account with me so any game he downloads immediately pops up on my phone, which is kind of annoying, but does give me a window in to games, at least.
We also have talks occasionally about online safety, etc. I don't want it to become something he feels he needs to hide from me, and he does deserve a bit of privacy, even though he is only 8 :)
Hope this helps.
xx
Loving all of your tips, thanks. I think I might change the Itunes password.... its a start at least. Thanks for your advice xx
DeleteYour post raises questions I have found myself asking. My boys are only little and already I can see the ipod/YouTube obsession - I suspect it is only going to get worse.
ReplyDeleteI'll be coming back to read more comments and see what others have to offer as advice - certainly a sign of things to come
Josefa from #teamIBOT xx
Hi Josefa, thanks for stopping by. Hopefully you can get something out of this great collection of advice xxx
DeleteI'm totally dreading my kids becoming teenagers, they have so much more at their fingertips, freaks me out to think about it. I suppose they are going to be curious, maybe the key is to not make a big deal about it so they hide it - I've got $50 to go towards the island :) Em
ReplyDeleteHi Emily! Ill take your $50!!! It all helps ;P xxx
DeleteUnfortunately my parenting to date is only three years in so I cannot provide any advice :( But I am going to come back and read more of the comments and absorb this journey of yours for future reference!
ReplyDeleteHi Carly, thanks for stopping by! Hopefully you can gain some good tips xxx
DeleteRemember you are the mother and he is still a child - even if he is at high school. I had all the passwords and would randomly check them. She was a girl) Also remember they get clever fast, and quite seriously can hide most of what they are doing. Sit down family talks and seriously if it is inappropraite for your family, time away from all devices.
ReplyDeleteA word on school - do they have a policy. Lots of schools do maybe this could guide you in the taking it to school etc
Goodluck
Hi Annaleis, thanks for your tips. Yes, they do learn early how to erase stuff dont they! Ill check the school policy, good call xx
DeleteAs a high school teacher, I get asked this one regularly. My advice is always the same. Keep all devices in a public area, eg a family room where every one can see it, even if it is only to glance over the shoulder. This include ipods, phones etc (particularly at night, because they can spend all night chatting to friends). Kids are entitled to privacy, but at the same time, people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
ReplyDeleteA mother wrote a contract for her son when she gave him an iphone, which I thought was really excellent. Here is the link:
http://thenextweb.com/shareables/2012/12/31/mom-presents-18-point-contract-with-rules-of-use-to-teenage-son-would-you-be-tempted/
Hi Jo, thanks so much for your advice and that link, awesome, def some stuff to think about! x
DeleteWith a 17 year old son who is seriously attached to his rechnology, this has become my biggest parenting challenge. What is reasonable? How do you reach a compromise? How do you enforce rules you have laid down?
ReplyDeleteThis area becomes more and more murky as your kids get older because once they are in Year 9, their school will hand them their own laptop and require them to be on it - and online - ALL THE TIME. They are basically tethered to the internet most of the time and it can become a huge battleground.
I have no quick-fix answers but this is what we try and do:
All computers, iphones, ipods etc are charged in the kitchen overnight.
Evetything is out of the bedroom at least 30 mins before bed.
Technology is left at home when we go out as a family.
The modem is switched off when we go to bed to prevent any late night sneakiness.
Technology is the last thing to be done - not the first. So requests to empty the dishwasher cannot be ignored because there is only '5 minutes till the end of the game' (there is NEVER 5 minutes to the end of a game1)
On top of that, I often remind my kids that:
Their access to technology is a privelege NOT a right
Technology should never take the place of real people
If I don't see them doing other things too - reading, playing with siblings, making plans with friends - then the technology will be removed.
The trick is balance - and it is so so hard to achieve with older kids who have a right to make choices about how they spend their down-time. Screens can become a terrible addiction - and I don't use that word lightly - and as a parent, you can find yourself very quickly on a slippery slope.
Sensational advice, thank you so much! Taking it all on board!! xx
DeleteWe tell our kids (with everything), that freedom has to be balance by responsibility. If you are repsonsible, you will get more freedom, simple as that. I think that you probably need to have a really good talk about expectations and then set some really clear boundaries.
ReplyDeleteI like the above comment
Leigh, this has been a big issue for us over the last 8 or so years. Especially with our second son, now 17 years old. He loved computer games and it was a battle, in all sense of the word, to reach some sort of compromise with him on how much time should be spent on the computer.
ReplyDeleteSome things that worked for us, many have already been mentioned, are
- we have one desk top computer and one laptop (for 6 of us) - both of these are kept in the family room. If they are shooting something - I am watching them and this seems to not be as good for them as if they were alone. Youtube videos also have me looking over their shoulder so I can easily vet my 13 year olds viewing habits. Also, in the open, there are younger siblings who tell on them and embarress them if what they are watching is not what was agreed on.
- We continually negotiated with the boys on how much time was spent on the screens. Rules would stick for a while, then would be stretched so new rules would have to be discussed. I tried to set a time aside for discussion and not do it when I was fed up with the screens or angry with what I considered to be horrible viewing habits.
- I came to realise that there is a lot of peer pressure to play certain games and that can be hard to deal with as a 12 or 13 year old boy. It seems to me that you have to deal in real life in this situation (sadly)and the reality is that lots of boys spend heaps of time on screens, probably a lot more than your boy deoes because you are a concerned and involved parent - not everyone is. I tried to see things from my son's point of view and factor this into my negotiations.
- Finally on the matter of inappropriate viewing. I remember my husband saying to me that it was pretty normal for a boy heading into puberty to be pretty keen on looking at certain stuff and he was right - it is. This kind of stuff is hard for me to understand, and maybe for you but for a 12 - 13 year old boy it's all quite interesting. Plus - they talk about it at school. My husband spoke to the boys a lot about what they looked at and I think his involvment was invaluable.
Sorry about long, involved comment! This subject has been a biggie for me and sometimes it's just nice to debrief :) Hope it gets easier for you
Megan! So, so wise my dear! I take everything you have said on board and agree with your approach. I absolutely understand the need for boys to 'explore' stuff on the internet, I know its what they talk about etc, I just have to get my head around it, maybe I never will. Im trying to adjust. Its so hard! Thank you for all of your pointers, love it all xx
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